Admit it. If taking the plunge and standing at the altar with your spouse was cause for some trepidation and a few butterflies in your stomach, then the idea of bringing a new life into the world and preparing that young one for adulthood is cause for major periods of sobering reflection.
An amazing irony repeats itself with every generation. The truly wisest elders among us are far beyond their childbearing years. It's the woefully young and inexperienced who carry the mandate to "go forth and multiply." But that is the design God has established, most likely so that new parents will rightfully put their trust in Him for the wisdom and resources they need to raise the children He gives.
Regardless of your fears or self-doubts as you transition into parenthood, remember this rule and you will have won 90 percent of your battles: Be consistent. That doesn't mean you never admit when you are wrong. It just means you never compromise what you know is right.
I've observed problems when children don't know where the lines are. You've seen them. They're the screaming tykes at Wal-Mart frantically venting tantrums for reasons that are vague at best at parents who pretend not to hear them. They're the elementary-age children who curse like sailors because Mom and Dad either talk that way themselves or don't care what's blaring out of the TV or radio. They're the teenagers who become entangled in drugs or alcohol or premarital sex because their parents never laid down the law that a Friday night date was to be clean and sober and end at 11.
The Biblical Solution
Boundaries are vital throughout life. Try ice-skating on a lake where the thin ice is unmarked. Try driving on a narrow, foggy road where the county hasn't repainted the lines since the Nixon administration.
Your children will test your commitment to your standards. They'll try tears, false smiles, bargaining, anything to make you adapt your time-tested guidelines to their self-centered childishness. Don't do it. Stand firm. Eventually, those arguments and tears will grow into mature gratitude for the protection your guidelines provided.
Like marriage, parenting is a learning process. I had a lot of learning to do. In my children's early years I don't believe I was the dad they needed. It might seem ironic that a man called by God to minister to others and point them toward eternal life could miss his responsibility to minister to and serve his family. But countless ministers have done just that.
In the pursuit of the ministry opportunities God gave me, I neglected the children He gave me. During their early years, I wasn't the father they needed because I was caught up in being the minister my church needed. I was so determined to be "successful" in ministry that the commitment to be successful as a dad was not the priority.
You can make the same mistake in whatever field God has placed you. Perhaps you are pursuing sales or medical work or academics or building a business, and you're letting the most precious things get pushed off to the side. I promise you, if you persist in that misguided prioritization, someday you just might find yourself at the top of the corporate ladder but your children will be nowhere in sight.
A defining moment in my identity as a minister and as a father occurred after one Sunday a.m. service. People were milling about the sanctuary when an old man made his way to the front to greet me. I say "old," but I later learned he was only 65. He just looked like Methuselah.
He said he needed to tell me something. I leaned in to catch what he wanted to say. He seemed so earnest. The story he shared soon revealed why. This was a man who had lost his health, his position as a pastor, his income and his family in a lifetime of giving his all to ministry. When he was finished with his sad tale, he suddenly grabbed my tie in a bony fist. For a moment, I thought he would choke me.
"Take a good look at me, Reverend," he croaked. "You're a great pastor and a good man. But if you don't change some things you better like what you see, because you'll be me."
That man did me one of the greatest favors anyone has in my life. His honesty galvanized me to examine my priorities and commitments. Did that mean I suddenly relaxed my commitment to God's calling? Not in the least. Most of my life I've worked hard to cover over a laziness streak. I've typically put in 60-80 hours in a week. But I realized there are 168 hours in a week, and I had better start finding a bunch of them to dedicate to my children.
I became a district youth director in Oklahoma a couple years later and served in that capacity for 12 years. In some respects, I'd jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I'd travel 45,000 miles a year to serve our churches, youth leaders and students across the district. But based on that man's talk, and repeated nudges from the Holy Spirit, I would drive through the night to get back home for breakfast and family devotions.
No, I wasn't there for every game or school program or weekend outing. I still had some regrets. But I prayerfully dedicated myself to raising my children and making sure they absolutely knew I loved them and wanted to be a good dad.
My children, Bridgette and Andy, are now 30-somethings. They are married to wonderful partners with four children between them. The day before Bridgette was married I was running last-minute errands with her and Andy. I felt like I needed to take a moment and review some of the ups and downs of our years together. I apologized for missing some "dad things" that we could not go back and recover.
An amazing thing happened. Other than my joy at salvation, perhaps the most redeeming moment in my life was when my children said to me, "Dad, we wouldn't have had it any other way."
What wonderful evidence of how God's grace works in our lives. When we respond to the warning whisper of the Holy Spirit and we reset our priorities to conform to His, He gives wisdom and guidance to point us in the right direction and sovereignly steps in to mitigate the damage of our missteps.
Life Application
So what are the unwavering principles you should establish for your children? They are the same unwavering principles you should apply to your own life. Your children will learn from your example far more quickly and thoroughly than they will learn from your mandate.
A Dad's Mandate:
Jesus Christ must be your Lord in your everyday decisions, not just in your Sunday professions of faith.
- Prayer must be your practice, not just your mealtime ritual.
- God's Word must be your sourcebook for every life lesson, not just a decoration on your coffee table.
- The fruit of the Spirit-love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control-must be in evidence moment by moment, not a surprise crop for special days.
- You must correct your own sinful tendencies as thoroughly as you do your children's.
- You must offer your children the same encouragement and reinforcement for their good choices as you seek from others for your own.
The farther along the parenting road you travel, the more subtle variations and applications of the above themes you will discover. But these will provide the framework you need.
One of the lessons I learned from my own years as a father was to see my father in a more gentle light. Yes, there were plenty of misunderstandings between Dad and me over the years. But he faced the very same challenges raising his family that I faced with mine. The more I struggled to become the father my children needed, the more I understood how difficult it was for Dad to be what I needed.
In the end, God stepped in and made up for each of our shortcomings. He will do the same for you.
Taken from "The Game Isn't Over" by Tom Greene. Used by permission.
For more information, visit www.tgreene.net.